Last night I saw the movie Desert Dancer.  I loved it.  It was a powerful, moving and beautiful testament of the human spirit.  The movie is based on a true story of a young Iranian man who wants to dance but is forbidden to, because of the rules/laws in his country.  But he does so anyway…

It broke my heart to see people hurt, tortured, and killed for simply being themselves and for wanting to express what they feel and see through art.   SUPPRESSION…..I don’t understand the need to control or force others to do things against their will.  But I do understand that it comes from a place of fear.

I am grateful that I live in a country where I am free to be me.  But then as I look around I see suppression here as well.  The difference is- here it is not taken to the extreme…well at least, not as a normal thing.

This one young man formed a dance group, where they performed in secret their love of dancing.  But then he realized that it wasn’t enough to just dance.  They needed an audience…people who wanted to see them perform.  He said, what is the point, if we can’t share it?  or something to that effect.

He took it to the next step.  At great risk to himself and his fellow dancers, they performed; knowing if they were caught they would be imprisoned or worse.

Here at home, we may get a disapproving look or a verbal thrashing, or even physical abuse but again as a whole, our lives aren’t threatened, when we do something others might not like or approve of.

Every time that we share our light, to me, we are honoring the One who created us.   And sometimes that means saying yes when the world says no.  And facing our fears and doing it anyway.

In Cyndi Lauper’s song, she sings, Your true colors are shining through…

And I say yes…let them.

dance baby dance….shine your light for the world to see!

Fuck- which immediately got my attention.  For those of you who have read my novel, Sunny’s Story, know that Sunny uses that word a lot..not unlike her author….

I read the link, which was a blog written by Mike Hrostoski and actually posted on FB, last October.  He and his wife were playing a game called,’ Fuck You Spiritual People for using Gratitude as a Bypass to Your Anger’.  They let ‘her rip’ as they went through the list of things on their minds and hearts.  I fell in love with the game immediately.

Earlier that day I had woken up at 5 am.  I lay in bed with lots of thoughts traveling through my mind.  What started out as a positive journey quickly turned to yuck.  Actually what I said to my husband when I got up at 6 and he asked me why I was getting up so early was, “I’m going to write…my thoughts have turned to poopy and I need to get them out of here,” I said pointing to my head.

And write I did…my hand was working quicker than lightning; putting the thoughts running through my head down onto the page.  Taking a sip of coffee, I was ready to move on to the next page when I looked up and there sitting across from me was my husband.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

So I told him.  I told him everything that was bothering me…worries over my three kids, my mom, sister, being questioned and second guessed, feeling like some things were never going to change and other changes that were happening way too fast.

The thing is, that after I’d finished, although nothing had outwardly changed, I felt good again.  And I realized that by expressing what I was feeling on paper and then to someone who loves me, I’d freed myself from the unhappiness surrounding it.

So when I got Gayle’s email and read the link…I jumped in and played the game…adding my own list.  Fun! Another way for me to further unleash the ties that held me to the yuck.  It is so empowering to say F..Y..to whatever it is you’re afraid to say.  And freeing.

I know there are a lot of people out there that will take offense to the use of this word.  And I get that.

But sometimes its just fun to say it………

So this morning I felt shaky inside…actually more like the weather outside…all cloudy and gray.   I tried to shake it off, it being my mood/feelings…but instead they clung to me like sticky molasses and not as sweet.  Being the kind of person that prefers sunshine to cloudy days…I was not happy with me feeling this way.  But I decided to embrace my feelings and listen to what they had to say. I sat and wrote down what I heard, hoping to get to the other side.  No such luck…they were staying for the duration like unwanted company.

Mark woke up and after he ate breakfast, we went outside to walk.  Since the clouds were hovering, the temperatures were much cooler than normal.   And there was a breeze…it almost felt like we were walking along shore, which brought beach into my mind and a little sliver of sunshine into my heart. Looking up at the sky, I noticed blue behind the gray/white puffy clouds, felt the wind on my skin, heard the birds singing, saw a neighbor’s cat sauntering on our drive-that is until she saw Sonny charging her way and then she ran like hell to get away from him- and I felt the earth beneath my bare feet…all of these things ‘righting’ my inner world.

But when Mark looked at me and said………..”Shake it Off”…and seeing as I had not said that to him or out loud, I figured it was a a message from the Universe.

Now every time Mark looks at me he says, “Shake it Off.”  I’m thinking somebody up there wants to make sure I get the message loud and clear.

Got it! ……..And did it!  🙂

White is for purity and innocence…Hope

Yellow is for sunshine, kindness, happy…Dreams

Purple is for passion, courage, royalty…Faith

Green is for new, rebirth, growth, possibilities…Create

Pale cream to golden is for earth-solid, safe, &  secure…Believe

Blue is for peace, calm, beauty…Heaven

Love is for the color that holds, binds, and triumphs over all…  Jesus

You died and then You rose again…You showed me how to live, love and believe…even when all the evidence said not to………..

that when I post pictures of our home, farm…that others could interpret that as bragging….”Hey Look at Me and What I Have!”…..

Just to be clear…nope, that is not my intention.  And while its none of my business, as to how others take or perceive me or what I do… (oh, oh…does this mean I’m going to defend myself??? 🙂  I want to say this…everything (or mostly everything)  I post, I do it because I love it and want to share my joy with you.

I feel that our world is filled with so much unhappiness, that’s it’s nice to know that there is good here too…like achieving dreams, celebrating the moments, giving hope of possibilities, opportunities.

From my pictures and posts, people might interpret that I have an ‘easy’ life.   While I know that I have been blessed, I also know that my life is not an easy one….things that most take for granted do not come easily to me but this is okay…I love my life…challenges and all.

My point is this…all of us have our ‘stuff’…maybe yours is financial, or dealing with health and/or a  life threatening illness, or relationship issues…or a combination of things…really scary things.  Life isn’t fair, no one said that it would be…but it’s still worth loving and fighting for.  And for me sharing what brings me joy…reminds me of what I’m fighting for……….

Just like Pitt Bull with Ne-Yo in their current song titled,’Time of Our Lives.  I agree, yes it is!

Yesterday a new friend through Facebook wrote to me and told me how much the book that Gayle and I wrote together, “It’s All About Attitude,” meant to her and her family.  She said that our book came to them at a time when they were feeling lost…their world turned upside down by the diagnosis of autism.   And that by reading our story…I imagine that it was like a hand being extended to them in a dark and scary place.

I understand completely.

There have been many times that I too have felt lost, scared, not knowing which way to turn… and someone’s words, heart coming through on the page. have been like a life raft being thrown out to me in dark and murky waters….giving me hope, direction, and the confidence to hear and follow my own truth once again.  Dark and murky…now clear blue.

I also am grateful for those who love my art… my creativity whether its through writing, painting, basket weaving, cooking, decorating or photography…they are all expressions of my love of life…the beauty that I see and feel around me.  So when someone tells me they like it….my heart smiles…big time!

and I just wanted you to know that……….

thank you!

to a family member that things have not been exactly copasetic lately………I thought it was time to bury the hatchet and make amends…at least  that was my intention.  Apparently the person that I  extended it to, thought otherwise.  If the branch had been real…I’m thinking that it either would have gone up my…um…backside…or I’d been thrashed with it…or like a cold icicle…speared with it…just sayn…

So needless to say…my offer was rescinded and sent back to me in a way that there was no doubt of its meaning.  Which was/is okay…except I kind of felt like a fool or worse yet…a little naked or a whole lot of naked.  The last time I felt like that, exposed for the world to see …was when I posted something derogatory about our current president…which I no longer do or will do…in fact I have stepped out of the political arena preferring to stay on safer grounds…at least for the time being.

But this person is my family and at one time we were close, so I tried again to reach out with the hopes of a better outcome.  I have sent emails, texts…all without any response…so rather than assume I decided to ask this person what this meant.  I know…really?? :).  So if I wasn’t clear before, after the whip lashing from the olive branch that I’d extended; now I was.

So…what to do with these feelings of embarrassment, vulnerability, foolishness and rejection…and a huge dose of self doubt for trying to be nice…which felt even worse than the actual door slamming…thinking of the things I should have/could have said instead.

And then I thought of some other members in my family that might not be happy with me if they knew that I’d reached out to this person…I could hear their words…What… are you crazy?  What the f…were you thinking….Seriously why don’t you just roll over and let them walk all over you…”

So add guilt to the mix too.

I decided to paint….we have a new cow trough…actually this one is an old worn out bathtub that we’re now using as a place to plant tomatoes…….and onions…I got my brush, white paint and painted….and painted…now it’s safe to say I’m wearing clothes again(white)…the yucky place I’d found myself in (inside my own skin) has passed, I like myself again, and it’s really okay that this other person doesn’t want to reconnect.  I can let go.

…and my family….. no worries……….they’ll never know…:) whoop! whoop!

I love olives and I love opportunities to grow…even if it sometimes leaves a sour taste in my mouth/soul… in the end, I know it’s all good.

I like to laugh…actually I love to laugh…and sometimes when life feels too raw…I laugh…a lot.

or try to be funny.

sometimes it might not be taken well.

I don’t mean anything by it.  In fact I mean just the opposite.  I want others to feel better, especially when they are hurting, scared, or depressed.  So I use laughter as my preferred choice of medicine.

I use what happens to me; trying to make a funny story out of it.

This past week I had several opportunities to practice this….like on Tuesday when I smashed my big toe and the two next to it………it hurt like hell, turning several shades of blue, green and purple.  And walking, which was more like hobbling with the added bonus of trying to fit a shoe on a size that no longer fit bringing its own set of challenges…..but I wanted to make it funny…so once the tears passed, I wrote about it….and laughed….well that is until my husband, dog, and the vacuum cleaner ran into it again and…. again sending fresh new tears and pain rushing through me.  No problem….more story line.

Or how about the next day, while I was blowing out the candle on one end of the tray and my hair caught fire by the candle on the other end….It was instant flames……but as quick as it started, it ended…leaving a yucky burnt singed smell, unintended haircut…and something to laugh about….

Sometimes…the news is really scary and there might not be much to laugh about….and yet laugh we must because when we do; it slays the ‘dragons’ built by our fears and gives us a chance to see things differently and more clearly.

So that’s why I laugh….even when it might not seem appropriate or the right time, like when Frank fell off of the bed and hurt an unmentionable place…which happened several years ago and yet thinking about it…I still laugh.  Oops…my bad.

Laughter helps to lessen the hurt and ease the pain of life gone raw…opening the doors to healing and possibility…

My mom with her grandsons….at my father’s memorial dinner

Often I see authors write blogs and even books on this.  It helps readers to understand the process, giving a little insight into the author’s working progress.  And for fellow writers it is inspiring and encouraging to see how other authors write.

Now if I tell you how I write you might understand totally why my characters are as wacky as they are and why I might need more than one editor or proofreader at my beck and call.  As it is they have their work cut out for them.

You think of writers having these big swatches of time and quiet to create.  And you think of them having tons of alone time to do so….so much so that you worry about them feeling lonely… too much solitude.

I can say without any hesitation or doubt that lots of time, quiet, and alone time are definitely not issues for me.  In fact the opposite is usually quite true.

I sit down to write.  The telephone rings.  I ignore it.  My cell phone rings.  I ignore it.  My text goes off.  I ignore it.  The phone rings again…this time the answering machine plays in the background…”How come you’re not answering your phone?  Call me.”…husband is worried.  So I call him back to reassure him that all is well.

I sit back down to write.  Mark needs me for something.  I get up to help him.  Then its back to writing.  A little while later its time for lunch.  I fix lunch.  Ready to write some more, I sit… ready to write some more.   I fix lunch….wait didn’t I already say that, do that?   I sit back down to write.  Frank and Michael come home.  “What’s to eat?”  I make them lunch.

I sit back down to write.  Finally all is quiet and I can get a little work done, uninterrupted.  I write a sentence.  Maybe two and now the cat needs my attention…more treats and a clean up on aisle 4…(garage)…she’s old, has lots of accidents.

I sit back down to write.  The bell on the washing machine and dryer go off simultaneously…I let it go for awhile or until or before the mildew sets in…then I get up switching the clothes from the wash to the dryer after taking the clothes out of the dryer and putting them in the basket to be folded at a later if ever date…  I sit back down to write; but first a quick look at FB and emails.  Two hours later, I sit back down to write.

Mark, Michael, and Frank want to talk to me.  It doesn’t matter that I’m typing…or that I’m clearly ignoring them…not even smiling at them…they still want to talk to me.   So since I’m not looking they sit across from me and say…’don’t worry…I’ll wait until you’re done.  Or they ask, “Are you listening to me”  Mark doesn’t care…he just keeps on talking and talking and talking and if I don’t pay attention then touches my chin to get me to look at him-reminding me of the days when we did the program and we did the same to him to get his attention.

Or they’re talking to each other.  Sometimes I go to another room…a couple of states away…but they either find me or I can still hear them….

A little while later ….I sit back down to write……….

But now its time to walk….Sonny’s ready…patiently waiting …and can’t wait anymore.  So we – Mark, Sonny, and I walk.

And then I hear “What’s for dinner?”….

I close up the computer…………..to begin again…………..another day…………..

And this is how I write……full of life and love swirling all around me, touching, inspiring, driving me a little crazy, sometimes a lot…loving the process.  Most days I write…sometimes not…………but when I do it’s always an adventure.

Sonny (my golden retriever) and I had a case of the blues today….he’s had some health issues since the week before Thanksgiving…he may have had a slight stroke.  Yesterday he had acupuncture….yep, my dog had needles stuck in him everywhere…And he did really good letting the vet insert them…well with the exception of the ones he tried to eat.

And me… I could list a few reasons for my funk but who wants to hear them?  Not me 🙂

Anyway Mark (my son), Sonny and I went for a walk, taking our usual path.  After walking the back paddock I headed to the highest point on our land for a sit down.  Sonny followed.  The view is gorgeous.  You can see our farm and the other surrounding farms.  Michael (my oldest son) was working the other field with the big tractor…waved as he passed by from afar.   Mark continued walking the path.

Today the sky is showing bright blue again-first time this week, along with abundant sunshine and white puffy clouds.  The temps are in the lower sixties…cool but not cold.

Hard to keep the funk going with all of that beauty around me.  I might have smiled a couple of times… Sonny may have done his happy dance.  Feeling the warmth of the sun I lay on the crunchy brown grass beneath me looking up at all that blue sky, while Sonny dug, ate some dirt, rolled, and then lay next to me.

I heard a car pull up next to me.  Found by the husband … he says I need to get a ‘real’ job.  I laughed…..funk gone………he may have even gotten a kiss…