that started out pure and simple. But then life got complicated and the picture/painting was put aside for awhile. Things cleared up and everyday when I went to the barn, I saw this picture/painting of blue background with white shapes sitting on top of an island of sorts, begging me to pick up where I’d left off and finish this it.

So I did. Only for some reason, that only the universe knows, nothing seemed right. The houses changed colors, shapes, only to be wiped out to begin again. The same with the background and the ocean below. Nothing felt right but yet I continued, obsessed to fix it, to make it right.

And so this went on and on, some days liking what I saw only to wipe it out the next day.

Every chance I got, I painted, with the hope and intention of making things right. I had lots of interruptions, pulls from other directions. And where usually I could take it in stride, shrug it off, they stuck to me like glue, pulling me further and further into my own despair and frustration.

And finally I said, ‘fuck it’… I wiped the paint off again, throwing the covered in paint towel against the canvas once more, taking loose paint and throwing it on top of the smeared images, where once bright color now stood muted and distorted.

And I shouted to the heavens, to myself and anyone else listening (maybe the neighborhood) I am done! Do you hear me? I give up! No matter what I try or do, nothing’s working!

And in that moment, I felt a sense of peace wash over me, as if the heavens had been waiting in the background for me to let go. Now maybe they can step in and take over.

Sometimes, no a lot of the time, life is like that. I try and I try again, trying to make something work that just won’t budge and no matter what I do or give to it…it remains the same. And the feelings of frustration grow and my sense of well being is thrown out like the paint smeared off the canvas.

I remember to dance, wait, and most of all-don’t look at that picture, AGAIN!!! until the lightness of spirit finds her way to me and I am ready to receive her once again.

Yes, I’m aware that it is March…
But this is my first blog of the year…My family has been taking charge of our health, renovating our home, and I’ve been working on the completion of my second novel, Sunny’s Story 2, the sequel to the first. So, Happy New Year.

My sister-in-law shared on Facebook the You-tube video of Lady Gaga’s performance on the Oscars, making a tribute to the people who have been sexually abused. The message in essence was that unless you’ve been through their experience, you can’t know what it’s like to be them.
My thought after watching the powerful and moving video is that this is true for everyone and, each of our experiences. That unless you too, have gone through it, how would you know?

Like losing a child, or a spouse, or a parent..through death.
Like having a special needs child.
Like having cancer, taking chemo, radiation, surgery…
Like being a single parent and raising your children alone…
Like being poor, rich…
Like being a full time caretaker for someone…
Like owning your own business…
Like working for someone else…
Like being in a war…
Like taking the life of another…
Like being in prison…
Like being adopted…
Like being an unwed mother and giving up your baby or keeping your baby…
Like having an abortion…
Like being gay…
Like being raped…
Like being blind, deaf…
Like being overweight, underweight…
Like being addicted to …whatever…
Like having a body that no longer works and your mind is still sharp or your body’s great, but your mind is gone…
Like being a Republican or a Democrat…:) thought I’d throw that in for fun…:)

Like being different…which we all are, but for some, our differences, stand out a lot more than others.
Every one of us carries something that has hurt, continues to hurt, or isn’t easy, for lack of a better term or separates us.

Expecting others to understand what that’s like, would be like them coming from another country, speaking a different language, and then understanding what you’re talking about. They wouldn’t.
Unless of course, you’re from the same country-have undergone the same thing, but even then, because you are an individual-you’ll still see it differently.
So…what do we do, to make others ‘see’? understand?….
I guess one way would be to share our stories…but even then, I don’t think that would do the trick…there’s just too much in our hearts and souls to convey our experiences…and too much judgment in the eyes of the others, the ones that you are trying to ‘get’ to understand.
Bottom line, unless someone is ‘open and wanting’ you cannot make them understand.
So we give that grace to ourselves. We hug and acknowledge and love the places we’ve been and the people we are now because of that. And we let go of the need, of trying to ‘get others’ to see. Because it just doesn’t matter.

What matters is that we are kind anyway…first to ourselves and then to others, knowing that if they are alive, they have gone through something too.
And if those others cannot understand or be compassionate…that’s okay. Let them go and wish them well, ’cause it’s enough to know that you know…

Are two powerful words….They have a life of their own; but they can take on a whole new meaning with the word/words that follow.  Recently I  heard several people that I love say, “I am done with so and so.”  And although I don’t think that they meant it…that it was just their hurt and anger speaking, nevertheless, their words are powerful.  And I might want to be hiding from the Universe’s response.  Because even though we might not see it or believe it…the Universe is definitely listening and will give us just what we put out.

So… I want to play it safe and only say what I really want to come back to me…I know I have slip ups and sometimes, even with the best of intentions and doings…stuff still happens that I would rather not participate in… and yet I find myself there anyway… Subject for a whole other post.

Since I believe in the power of these two little words, I try to make sure that what follows is a positive affirmation.  When I am scared, I affirm, I am brave.  When I feel tired, beaten down, I say, “I am good.”  When I need help, I say, “I am supported and loved.”  When I want more money, I affirm that I am prosperous.   ‘I am rich.”    When I want to feel pretty, I say, “I am beautiful.”  And everyday, I affirm, that I am happy, healthy, and whole…especially when in the present, the opposite may appear to be true.

I am a writer.  I am an artist.  I am vegan.  I am a mother.  I am a wife.  I am a daughter.  I am a sister.  I am a friend.  I am………….

do I love it unconditionally?

It’s easy to be happy when things are going the way that you want them to.  But what happens when they aren’t?  What then?

For me, I’ve practiced, over the last thirty years, the art of being happy … no matter what.

Sometimes, that gets a real work out.

Like for instance… eight years ago, Mark had a major set back – that he is slowly making his way back from, cancer touched my family- my father, brother, daughter, sister and me.    I had a growth, that looked a lot like the one, that my father died from … I had it removed in September, and other than losing half my bangs-no biggie- I am fine.  I have two more places on my face to take care of, but I have confidence that all is well.

Most recently, Mark suffered a major trauma to his groin area, shutting down his kidneys.  Since coming home from the hospital, we have taken care of him round the clock.  And it’s been a month since we’ve slept more than an hour at a time.

Last week after a particularly rough day for Mark and after another sleepless night, I felt beaten down.  If I heard, ‘fix it’ one more time…

I asked God for help.

And I saw the picture of Jesus standing in the boat, as the storms raged around him, his disciples scared to death, fearing for their lives.  And Jesus, calmly slept, in the midst of it.  And I thought…yes…this is the way.  Even when everything around you is going wild, it is still possible to be at peace.    Or at least give it a shot….  I mean there might have been a few f…k’s thrown in my boat…just sayn.

I heard myself saying, that I can’t wait until this is over…until we are free from this.  What I didn’t say, but it was there anyway, was, ‘then I can be happy.’

Then I read a post on Facebook by Samahria Lyte Kaufman.  Her words resonated deep within me…reminding me that all of life has value, not just the ones we deem as okay.  That this is my life, even the difficult parts and embracing these times changes the way I go through them.

And I remembered.   I love… all …of my life.   There might be a few ‘f..k’s’ thrown in…but what the ‘hell’…it’s all good.

has a rock on his desk.  On the one side it says….’Don’t sweat the small stuff.’  And on the other side its says, “And it’s all small stuff.”

I love that saying.  It reminds me not to take life too seriously…especially when it gets serious…which happens a lot.

My intention is to love and be happy.  That is my mantra, the new canvas I start out with each day, the art that I practice.  Some days, just like with anything…  I do better than others.

And I love to tell stories.  I love it when people laugh at those stories.  And even if I’m the only one laughing…well at least there’s one…

Life gives me lots of opportunities to practice my art.  It’s like my daily lesson plan.  And I am learning.  Now when something happens my first thought is (.well… maybe the second thought after the initial ouch subsides)  ‘Cool, this is so going in my book.  Or, I can’t wait to tell so and so…

I believe that laughter is one of the greatest medicines in the world….feeling good, even better.   And if I can bring one smile to someone who is hurting…then I’ve done good.

Wayne Dyer died this past week.   When I first heard about it, I couldn’t believe it…it seemed surreal.  Then I saw the posts on FB on his page and on others…and it became real to me.  I loved his words, his being, his perspective.  He was a great spiritual leader, teacher, and writer.  He inspired me.  He challenged me.  He helped me to grow.  And I am forever grateful to God for the gift of him.

I was first introduced to him many years ago when my brother gave me one of his earlier works…the book, Pulling Your Own Strings.  I think my brother thought I needed some help in that area :).  He was right.   I read his book and others that followed…my favorite being, Wishes Fulfilled, one of his more recent books.  Even though I enjoyed reading his words on paper I loved hearing him speak even more.  Every year when it came time for PBS to raise money for their station, Wayne would be one of their key note speakers.

He had a way about him that was so inviting.  I  loved listening to  his stories, sharing his process and growth on his  own spiritual journey.   His light shined bright.  And even though I never met him personally I feel like I lost someone close to me.

In one of his stories he talked about the orbs…and he used photos in his book to show them.  I’d never heard of such but after reading his story, I have since seen them in some of my own photographs.  To me they are angels watching over us.   A nice and comforting thought.

You will be missed but because of your cds, books, videos and your heart….your presence will be forever remembered.    God Bless You in your newest journey………….

Recently I read that when you stand for everything you stand for nothing or if you don’t take a stand then you don’t stand for anything…oh hell, I don’t remember what it was.  I’m sure somebody out there can fill me in.  I know that recently the political posts have picked up a notch on FB.  And I suppose they will continue as we get closer to election time.  I have made the decision to opt out of that arena…not that I don’t have opinions on the subject matter…its just I do not like how I feel when I post anything that might be construed negative or open myself up to a lot of negative response; especially in that arena…so I’m sticking to the cardinal rule, if I can’t say something nice about someone, I’m keeping my mouth shut.  Or biting my tongue, which might explain the reason its getting shorter.

So does this mean that I’m not taking a stand?  Not really…but I’ll stick to the areas I’m more familiar with.

Like…I am Vegan.  The reason being- I love animals and I do not like the idea of killing them so I can eat them and then s…them out the next day when it is so not necessary.  I was a vegetarian for almost thirty years.  I choose to eat a plant based lifestyle because I think it is healthier for us and kinder to our animal friends.  It breaks my heart to see the way the animals are treated.  I used to justify eating cheese and butter as okay because I wasn’t killing (however indirectly) the animal.  But then I thought if I was put in a chute everyday, so someone could milk my breast without me having any say so about it…how would that be?  I am all about freedom of choice and a huge advocate for those who can’t speak for themselves…animals being one of these.  So now I’m vegan.  I also happen to think that besides being a much healthier sustaining way of life; it is also much kinder to our environment.

I wish instead of the new health care program that is, we as a country would have opted for and put our energy into creating a preventive health care program.  Like John F. Kennedy tried to do.  He was a firm believer in exercise, implementing programs in schools, trying to get kids active.  If our society put more energy into taking control over their own health, a program as such today, would not even be needed.

And I also would like to say this about the Confederate Flag.  There has been a lot of hoopla lately surrounding it.  I learned a long time ago with Mark, that if I wanted him to stop doing a particular ‘ism’ or behavior…the best way to deal with it…was to quit giving it power by giving it so much attention.  I remember giving a talk to Michael’s elementary school way back when.  One of the questions that was asked me, was how do I feel about kids using foul language.  For anyone who knows me, knows that probably wasn’t the question to ask me…since my mouth runneth over a lot…but here’s the thing.  If I did take offense to a word (and I do have a few that rub me the wrong way 🙂 my action would be to give no response…at all.  Because I know this to be true..the more I make an issue out of it, the bigger the issue becomes.  So my advice to them was…to ignore it.

The same thing with the confederate flag.  Before this opposition came up…every time I saw the flag flown in the back of a truck or stuck on a fence…I didn’t like it.   Interestingly enough, I’ve noticed that with all of the attention the flag has gotten I’ve had the opportunity to explore my own judgments of it and let them go.  It is just a flag and its colors are beautiful, not unlike our own.  This flag represents a people that stood for what they believed in, wanting their independence from big government, no different than our founding fathers.   The fact that slavery was tied in with it…whether that was by intention or not…is the reason I would not hang that flag from my home…that and the fact that the war has been over for a long time, the flag that I fly is my nation’s flag.

But if my neighbor chooses to fly the confederate flag, then so be it.  I am grateful that I can live in a country where he/she is free to do so.  I want to live in a country where as long as I or the person next to me, are not hurting each other, we are free to do, say, or eat what we want.  And that’s okay.  So that’s my stand(s) for today……..:).

So …yesterday as the sun was setting a late afternoon thunderstorm popped up…well the makings of one that fizzled out before it really ever got started.  Mark was walking when the winds picked up and the rain started…a combination that does not work well for his sensitive being.  I heard him yelling out in the field and I went to meet him.  As he came towards me, his shorts scrolled up as far as they could go (so the wind doesn’t blow them on his skin which to him feels like needles going in from all directions) I noticed that his shorts were ripped and torn…a result of his frustration and pain.

I went to get him a new pair of shorts and invited him in to get out from under the weather; but once he changed he went back to walking.  I on the other hand went inside grabbed a glass of wine, went back outside, found a chair to sit in the paddock and wait for him to make the loop (it’s about a half of mile)… and hopefully do it without issue.

As I sat, I felt the day settle on me like the sun  reaching for the earth behind me.  I felt sad that after eight years Mark is still struggling to find his way and we live in a moment to moment basis…never quite knowing what the weather inside of him will be like.  I felt an emptiness that although we’re all family, many of our members have chosen to either alienate from one another or end relationships altogether.  I felt compassion for all those who are struggling and for those who have recently lost people that they love.  And I miss my dad.   I felt my emotions rising and as the rain subsided my tears began…the gentle breeze cooled my skin…feeling good to me but wondering if it was hurting my son as he walked.  I looked to the sky, the clouds, the last rays of light, as the tears fell releasing the sadness from within.

Mark came round the bend, this time without issue…he stopped to say hello to me and seeing me in my emotional state came over to sit next to me.  He kissed my cheek and taking my hand, told me that it was going to be okay.  Then he asked me, “Is it going to be okay?”  I nodded as I blubbered…”yes”.  He got up and did another round of walking.

This time when he came up and saw me in the same place, tears still falling…he came over and patted me firmly on the cheek and said, “Done!”….

I laughed and got up and walked another lap with him.  Yes…done.

I was driving home from the grocery store, listening to the CD Native by One Republic.  The song, Preacher came on…telling a story about a grandson’s feelings about his grandfather and his infinite wisdom on his life.

This wealth that he speaks of is how I strive to be.  I may be rich or poor ( I do enjoy spending money-don’t tell Frank, although I’m pretty sure that he knows :), happy or unhappy ( I do both well), lead an easy life or a difficult one (Just for the record…I choose easy….hello???)…but always on the inside…I’m filled to the brim with everything I need to see me through (whether I am aware of it or not).  My happiness is not contingent on getting that million dollar check from my book sales(yes, that was me at the mailbox sticking my head all the way in..) or the daily thunderstorms that seem to pop up all around me (I have different hats to wear for each one), or the changes that take place in my life on a moment to moment basis (even if I am standing still so as not to rock any boats).  No indeed, my wealth is based on something much richer and deeper than that.

It comes from a knowing that I am safe, even if I’m running from a bull 🙂 and that I am okay, even if I just tripped over something and broke another toe.  I know that laughter is my best medicine…renewing my spirit and lightening my load (and everyone else’s around me from the ranting and raving-that I do so well 🙂  Nope, it’s my love of life and the tools of living well that fill me up….giving me a taste for adventure, a feeling of triumph over the challenges that I face, and a walk in a world that shows me the way, protected by peace and surrounded in love.

So today the vet came to see Sonny.   As she looked at him, she decided not to give him the acupuncture treatment like she has in the past.   She diagnosed him with a brain tumor and said the word….terminal.

Now normally I don’t buy into such things…you know the word…terminal.  Like when the doctors said that my dad was terminal.  I think what I said then was….’what the f…dad, what do they know?’   But as it turned out…they did know although their timing was a little off by two years… go Dad…and God…

I know its my choice whether to believe or not…But today when I heard her words I felt them in my soul.  In my mind I said ‘no thanks’ but still the words settled on top of me like a heavy wet blanket zapping all the energy out of me as they filtered through my system.

I look at Sonny and see that he’s lost weight and the right side of his face has changed….it almost looks like Dad’s did after radiation and chemo.  And he’s had neither.   His spirit is sweet and last night as we walked, he ran like he used to do when he was a puppy….and what I call his happy dance….

Since day one he’s been my happy dog…I love to watch him run, play, be………he’s so beautiful and just watching him fills me with such joy…so why the tears…because I’m believing in the words, a month up to six months….and I can’t bear to think of my life without him…he came to me during a really difficult time and for awhile there he was my constant reminder that yes…life is good.

So here’s the deal….I’m going to declare daily that he is healed, hoping and praying for the best.  And if it indeed turns out that his time is done…then I’m going to let him know every chance I have …how much I love and adore him………..my Sonny……..