Recently I read that when you stand for everything you stand for nothing or if you don’t take a stand then you don’t stand for anything…oh hell, I don’t remember what it was.  I’m sure somebody out there can fill me in.  I know that recently the political posts have picked up a notch on FB.  And I suppose they will continue as we get closer to election time.  I have made the decision to opt out of that arena…not that I don’t have opinions on the subject matter…its just I do not like how I feel when I post anything that might be construed negative or open myself up to a lot of negative response; especially in that arena…so I’m sticking to the cardinal rule, if I can’t say something nice about someone, I’m keeping my mouth shut.  Or biting my tongue, which might explain the reason its getting shorter.

So does this mean that I’m not taking a stand?  Not really…but I’ll stick to the areas I’m more familiar with.

Like…I am Vegan.  The reason being- I love animals and I do not like the idea of killing them so I can eat them and then s…them out the next day when it is so not necessary.  I was a vegetarian for almost thirty years.  I choose to eat a plant based lifestyle because I think it is healthier for us and kinder to our animal friends.  It breaks my heart to see the way the animals are treated.  I used to justify eating cheese and butter as okay because I wasn’t killing (however indirectly) the animal.  But then I thought if I was put in a chute everyday, so someone could milk my breast without me having any say so about it…how would that be?  I am all about freedom of choice and a huge advocate for those who can’t speak for themselves…animals being one of these.  So now I’m vegan.  I also happen to think that besides being a much healthier sustaining way of life; it is also much kinder to our environment.

I wish instead of the new health care program that is, we as a country would have opted for and put our energy into creating a preventive health care program.  Like John F. Kennedy tried to do.  He was a firm believer in exercise, implementing programs in schools, trying to get kids active.  If our society put more energy into taking control over their own health, a program as such today, would not even be needed.

And I also would like to say this about the Confederate Flag.  There has been a lot of hoopla lately surrounding it.  I learned a long time ago with Mark, that if I wanted him to stop doing a particular ‘ism’ or behavior…the best way to deal with it…was to quit giving it power by giving it so much attention.  I remember giving a talk to Michael’s elementary school way back when.  One of the questions that was asked me, was how do I feel about kids using foul language.  For anyone who knows me, knows that probably wasn’t the question to ask me…since my mouth runneth over a lot…but here’s the thing.  If I did take offense to a word (and I do have a few that rub me the wrong way 🙂 my action would be to give no response…at all.  Because I know this to be true..the more I make an issue out of it, the bigger the issue becomes.  So my advice to them was…to ignore it.

The same thing with the confederate flag.  Before this opposition came up…every time I saw the flag flown in the back of a truck or stuck on a fence…I didn’t like it.   Interestingly enough, I’ve noticed that with all of the attention the flag has gotten I’ve had the opportunity to explore my own judgments of it and let them go.  It is just a flag and its colors are beautiful, not unlike our own.  This flag represents a people that stood for what they believed in, wanting their independence from big government, no different than our founding fathers.   The fact that slavery was tied in with it…whether that was by intention or not…is the reason I would not hang that flag from my home…that and the fact that the war has been over for a long time, the flag that I fly is my nation’s flag.

But if my neighbor chooses to fly the confederate flag, then so be it.  I am grateful that I can live in a country where he/she is free to do so.  I want to live in a country where as long as I or the person next to me, are not hurting each other, we are free to do, say, or eat what we want.  And that’s okay.  So that’s my stand(s) for today……..:).

So …yesterday as the sun was setting a late afternoon thunderstorm popped up…well the makings of one that fizzled out before it really ever got started.  Mark was walking when the winds picked up and the rain started…a combination that does not work well for his sensitive being.  I heard him yelling out in the field and I went to meet him.  As he came towards me, his shorts scrolled up as far as they could go (so the wind doesn’t blow them on his skin which to him feels like needles going in from all directions) I noticed that his shorts were ripped and torn…a result of his frustration and pain.

I went to get him a new pair of shorts and invited him in to get out from under the weather; but once he changed he went back to walking.  I on the other hand went inside grabbed a glass of wine, went back outside, found a chair to sit in the paddock and wait for him to make the loop (it’s about a half of mile)… and hopefully do it without issue.

As I sat, I felt the day settle on me like the sun  reaching for the earth behind me.  I felt sad that after eight years Mark is still struggling to find his way and we live in a moment to moment basis…never quite knowing what the weather inside of him will be like.  I felt an emptiness that although we’re all family, many of our members have chosen to either alienate from one another or end relationships altogether.  I felt compassion for all those who are struggling and for those who have recently lost people that they love.  And I miss my dad.   I felt my emotions rising and as the rain subsided my tears began…the gentle breeze cooled my skin…feeling good to me but wondering if it was hurting my son as he walked.  I looked to the sky, the clouds, the last rays of light, as the tears fell releasing the sadness from within.

Mark came round the bend, this time without issue…he stopped to say hello to me and seeing me in my emotional state came over to sit next to me.  He kissed my cheek and taking my hand, told me that it was going to be okay.  Then he asked me, “Is it going to be okay?”  I nodded as I blubbered…”yes”.  He got up and did another round of walking.

This time when he came up and saw me in the same place, tears still falling…he came over and patted me firmly on the cheek and said, “Done!”….

I laughed and got up and walked another lap with him.  Yes…done.

I was driving home from the grocery store, listening to the CD Native by One Republic.  The song, Preacher came on…telling a story about a grandson’s feelings about his grandfather and his infinite wisdom on his life.

This wealth that he speaks of is how I strive to be.  I may be rich or poor ( I do enjoy spending money-don’t tell Frank, although I’m pretty sure that he knows :), happy or unhappy ( I do both well), lead an easy life or a difficult one (Just for the record…I choose easy….hello???)…but always on the inside…I’m filled to the brim with everything I need to see me through (whether I am aware of it or not).  My happiness is not contingent on getting that million dollar check from my book sales(yes, that was me at the mailbox sticking my head all the way in..) or the daily thunderstorms that seem to pop up all around me (I have different hats to wear for each one), or the changes that take place in my life on a moment to moment basis (even if I am standing still so as not to rock any boats).  No indeed, my wealth is based on something much richer and deeper than that.

It comes from a knowing that I am safe, even if I’m running from a bull 🙂 and that I am okay, even if I just tripped over something and broke another toe.  I know that laughter is my best medicine…renewing my spirit and lightening my load (and everyone else’s around me from the ranting and raving-that I do so well 🙂  Nope, it’s my love of life and the tools of living well that fill me up….giving me a taste for adventure, a feeling of triumph over the challenges that I face, and a walk in a world that shows me the way, protected by peace and surrounded in love.

So today the vet came to see Sonny.   As she looked at him, she decided not to give him the acupuncture treatment like she has in the past.   She diagnosed him with a brain tumor and said the word….terminal.

Now normally I don’t buy into such things…you know the word…terminal.  Like when the doctors said that my dad was terminal.  I think what I said then was….’what the f…dad, what do they know?’   But as it turned out…they did know although their timing was a little off by two years… go Dad…and God…

I know its my choice whether to believe or not…But today when I heard her words I felt them in my soul.  In my mind I said ‘no thanks’ but still the words settled on top of me like a heavy wet blanket zapping all the energy out of me as they filtered through my system.

I look at Sonny and see that he’s lost weight and the right side of his face has changed….it almost looks like Dad’s did after radiation and chemo.  And he’s had neither.   His spirit is sweet and last night as we walked, he ran like he used to do when he was a puppy….and what I call his happy dance….

Since day one he’s been my happy dog…I love to watch him run, play, be………he’s so beautiful and just watching him fills me with such joy…so why the tears…because I’m believing in the words, a month up to six months….and I can’t bear to think of my life without him…he came to me during a really difficult time and for awhile there he was my constant reminder that yes…life is good.

So here’s the deal….I’m going to declare daily that he is healed, hoping and praying for the best.  And if it indeed turns out that his time is done…then I’m going to let him know every chance I have …how much I love and adore him………..my Sonny……..

Last night I saw the movie Desert Dancer.  I loved it.  It was a powerful, moving and beautiful testament of the human spirit.  The movie is based on a true story of a young Iranian man who wants to dance but is forbidden to, because of the rules/laws in his country.  But he does so anyway…

It broke my heart to see people hurt, tortured, and killed for simply being themselves and for wanting to express what they feel and see through art.   SUPPRESSION…..I don’t understand the need to control or force others to do things against their will.  But I do understand that it comes from a place of fear.

I am grateful that I live in a country where I am free to be me.  But then as I look around I see suppression here as well.  The difference is- here it is not taken to the extreme…well at least, not as a normal thing.

This one young man formed a dance group, where they performed in secret their love of dancing.  But then he realized that it wasn’t enough to just dance.  They needed an audience…people who wanted to see them perform.  He said, what is the point, if we can’t share it?  or something to that effect.

He took it to the next step.  At great risk to himself and his fellow dancers, they performed; knowing if they were caught they would be imprisoned or worse.

Here at home, we may get a disapproving look or a verbal thrashing, or even physical abuse but again as a whole, our lives aren’t threatened, when we do something others might not like or approve of.

Every time that we share our light, to me, we are honoring the One who created us.   And sometimes that means saying yes when the world says no.  And facing our fears and doing it anyway.

In Cyndi Lauper’s song, she sings, Your true colors are shining through…

And I say yes…let them.

dance baby dance….shine your light for the world to see!

Fuck- which immediately got my attention.  For those of you who have read my novel, Sunny’s Story, know that Sunny uses that word a lot..not unlike her author….

I read the link, which was a blog written by Mike Hrostoski and actually posted on FB, last October.  He and his wife were playing a game called,’ Fuck You Spiritual People for using Gratitude as a Bypass to Your Anger’.  They let ‘her rip’ as they went through the list of things on their minds and hearts.  I fell in love with the game immediately.

Earlier that day I had woken up at 5 am.  I lay in bed with lots of thoughts traveling through my mind.  What started out as a positive journey quickly turned to yuck.  Actually what I said to my husband when I got up at 6 and he asked me why I was getting up so early was, “I’m going to write…my thoughts have turned to poopy and I need to get them out of here,” I said pointing to my head.

And write I did…my hand was working quicker than lightning; putting the thoughts running through my head down onto the page.  Taking a sip of coffee, I was ready to move on to the next page when I looked up and there sitting across from me was my husband.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

So I told him.  I told him everything that was bothering me…worries over my three kids, my mom, sister, being questioned and second guessed, feeling like some things were never going to change and other changes that were happening way too fast.

The thing is, that after I’d finished, although nothing had outwardly changed, I felt good again.  And I realized that by expressing what I was feeling on paper and then to someone who loves me, I’d freed myself from the unhappiness surrounding it.

So when I got Gayle’s email and read the link…I jumped in and played the game…adding my own list.  Fun! Another way for me to further unleash the ties that held me to the yuck.  It is so empowering to say F..Y..to whatever it is you’re afraid to say.  And freeing.

I know there are a lot of people out there that will take offense to the use of this word.  And I get that.

But sometimes its just fun to say it………

So this morning I felt shaky inside…actually more like the weather outside…all cloudy and gray.   I tried to shake it off, it being my mood/feelings…but instead they clung to me like sticky molasses and not as sweet.  Being the kind of person that prefers sunshine to cloudy days…I was not happy with me feeling this way.  But I decided to embrace my feelings and listen to what they had to say. I sat and wrote down what I heard, hoping to get to the other side.  No such luck…they were staying for the duration like unwanted company.

Mark woke up and after he ate breakfast, we went outside to walk.  Since the clouds were hovering, the temperatures were much cooler than normal.   And there was a breeze…it almost felt like we were walking along shore, which brought beach into my mind and a little sliver of sunshine into my heart. Looking up at the sky, I noticed blue behind the gray/white puffy clouds, felt the wind on my skin, heard the birds singing, saw a neighbor’s cat sauntering on our drive-that is until she saw Sonny charging her way and then she ran like hell to get away from him- and I felt the earth beneath my bare feet…all of these things ‘righting’ my inner world.

But when Mark looked at me and said………..”Shake it Off”…and seeing as I had not said that to him or out loud, I figured it was a a message from the Universe.

Now every time Mark looks at me he says, “Shake it Off.”  I’m thinking somebody up there wants to make sure I get the message loud and clear.

Got it! ……..And did it!  🙂

White is for purity and innocence…Hope

Yellow is for sunshine, kindness, happy…Dreams

Purple is for passion, courage, royalty…Faith

Green is for new, rebirth, growth, possibilities…Create

Pale cream to golden is for earth-solid, safe, &  secure…Believe

Blue is for peace, calm, beauty…Heaven

Love is for the color that holds, binds, and triumphs over all…  Jesus

You died and then You rose again…You showed me how to live, love and believe…even when all the evidence said not to………..