to a family member that things have not been exactly copasetic lately………I thought it was time to bury the hatchet and make amends…at least  that was my intention.  Apparently the person that I  extended it to, thought otherwise.  If the branch had been real…I’m thinking that it either would have gone up my…um…backside…or I’d been thrashed with it…or like a cold icicle…speared with it…just sayn…

So needless to say…my offer was rescinded and sent back to me in a way that there was no doubt of its meaning.  Which was/is okay…except I kind of felt like a fool or worse yet…a little naked or a whole lot of naked.  The last time I felt like that, exposed for the world to see …was when I posted something derogatory about our current president…which I no longer do or will do…in fact I have stepped out of the political arena preferring to stay on safer grounds…at least for the time being.

But this person is my family and at one time we were close, so I tried again to reach out with the hopes of a better outcome.  I have sent emails, texts…all without any response…so rather than assume I decided to ask this person what this meant.  I know…really?? :).  So if I wasn’t clear before, after the whip lashing from the olive branch that I’d extended; now I was.

So…what to do with these feelings of embarrassment, vulnerability, foolishness and rejection…and a huge dose of self doubt for trying to be nice…which felt even worse than the actual door slamming…thinking of the things I should have/could have said instead.

And then I thought of some other members in my family that might not be happy with me if they knew that I’d reached out to this person…I could hear their words…What… are you crazy?  What the f…were you thinking….Seriously why don’t you just roll over and let them walk all over you…”

So add guilt to the mix too.

I decided to paint….we have a new cow trough…actually this one is an old worn out bathtub that we’re now using as a place to plant tomatoes…….and onions…I got my brush, white paint and painted….and painted…now it’s safe to say I’m wearing clothes again(white)…the yucky place I’d found myself in (inside my own skin) has passed, I like myself again, and it’s really okay that this other person doesn’t want to reconnect.  I can let go.

…and my family….. no worries……….they’ll never know…:) whoop! whoop!

I love olives and I love opportunities to grow…even if it sometimes leaves a sour taste in my mouth/soul… in the end, I know it’s all good.